Addicted to the Chase: Why We Mistake Chaos for Chemistry (Especially in Gay Dating + Recovery)

Imagine this...

You’re at the gym, not because you love fitness — but because he might be there.

You’re mid-set, pretending to care about proper form, but really? You’re doing

Romanian deadlifts hoping your hamstrings pop just right when someone walks by.

And then he walks in.

He’s tall. He’s carved, but in a beefy not-too-lean rugged way. He smells like citrus and danger. Or at least that's what you imagine he smells like because you've never made it close enough to know for sure. You’ve never spoken to him, but you’ve exchanged that charged half-second too-long eye contact that screams mutual curiosity or shared delusion. MULTIPLE TIMES. You don’t know if he’s gay, straight, bi, or identifies as a sexually fluid hologram— and it doesn’t fucking matter. He has forearm veins, and this alone is enough evidence for your brain to start planning a future.

You imagine your wedding:

• Simple ceremony.

• Close friends.

• A tasteful slideshow chronicling every gym glance

You have not said one word to him.

One day, you re-download Grindr. Not because you’re trying to hook up — of course not. This is research. Social anthropology.

And then… a profile stands out.

Actual sentences. Not shirtless pictures taken on a balcony at golden hour.

You start chatting. And then he says:

“I’ve seen you at the gym before, and I wanted to get closer but I didn't know how.” 

You freeze. You drop your phone.You briefly consider entering the witness protection program.

Could it be him? Once he sends his face photo, you literally shit your pants because you realize it fucking is him.

You schedule a date. You shave everything. Wait, no you don’t because he has chest hair so he probably also likes guys with chest hair. You reinvent your entire personality twice.

The first date is magic. The kind of chemistry that hijacks your brain chemistry. You talk for hours, laugh until you snort, and feel seen in a rare, unexplainable way. You go home floating, convinced you’ve just met someone who could be the one.

Over the next month, you go on six dates.

And then…

The shift.

Responses go from 30 minutes to six hours to 30 hours.

Voice notes disappear. Plans dry up. His energy retreats.

You replay the last text you sent, micro-analyzing every period, emoji, and vowel choice like it’s a crime scene.

“Did I sound clingy?”

“Should I have waited an extra hour to respond?”

“Does ‘haha’ seem desperate? Should I have used ‘lol’?”

Your emotional stability becomes fully tethered to whether he texts you back.

On date six, you ask:

“Are you looking for something serious?”

He shrugs, “Not really, just kind of going with the flow”

Your stomach drops. But you smile like it's fine.

“Oh totally. Same. I love casual.”

You do not love casual. You love connection and smothering closeness. But you settle for crumbs.

Because you are hooked.

Not on him…But on the chase.

When Chaos Feels Like Chemistry (And Why It Happens In Gay Dating + Recovery)

You’re not broken for wanting someone unavailable. You’re patterned.

And patterns are powerful.

Think about it— if you’ve ever struggled with addiction, emotional or otherwise, your brain has been trained to chase the hit.

Not stability.

Not consistency.

Not peace.

But intensity.

Dopamine, unpredictability, adrenaline... these things feel like home to a nervous system that has spent years in fight/flight mode.

Unavailable men operate on the same neurological schedule as addiction:

• Intermittent reinforcement

• High highs, low lows

• Just enough attention to keep you hooked

• Never enough to feel secure

The chase becomes a drug.

You don’t want the man.

You want:

• The validation

• The fantasy

• The feeling of winning someone who isn’t choosing you

Especially as gay men — many of us grew up without early emotional safety. We learned to perform, to hide, to earn acceptance. We learned that connection is conditional. We confuse longing with love, intensity with intimacy.

Why Your Nervous System Thinks “Unavailable = Safe”

Here’s the wild part:

Unavailable people feel “safer” to your subconscious than available ones.

Because if someone is emotionally far away:

• You can project onto them

• You can keep the fantasy ideal

• You never actually have to be vulnerable

It’s the emotional equivalent of window shopping.

You get the high without the risk.

When someone is available (actually open, interested, ready) your brain short-circuits because now there’s possibility of:

• Being seen

• Being known

• Being loved

• Being hurt

Your subconscious whispers:

“Run. Quick. Find someone unavailable. They can’t reject the real you because they’ll never get close enough.”

That is protective wiring. Old wiring. Trauma wiring.

At some point, inconsistent love was your normal.

And your brain keeps trying to recreate familiarity, not happiness.

How the Gay Experience Shapes The Chase

Gay men — whether consciously or unconsciously — often carry:

• Attachment wounds from childhood

• Shame scars from coming out

• Fear of rejection from formative experiences

• Internalized belief we have to earn love

When love was unsafe or conditional in early life…

Intensity becomes the closest feeling to love.

Especially if:

• You grew up hiding important parts of yourself

• You learned to perform to be accepted

• Authentic vulnerability wasn’t modeled

So now, when someone reeeaaaally sees you?Your nervous system screams

DANGER.

This isn’t logic.

It’s wiring.

Dating as a Person in Recovery: Why the Chase Feels Like a Drug

Addiction doesn’t disappear when the substance is gone.

It shapeshifts.

Instead of chasing:

• Alcohol

• Drugs

• Nicotine

• The next lofty high

You start chasing:

• People

• Emotionally unavailable partners

• Attention

• Validation

The hit is the same.

The reward circuitry doesn't know the difference between:

• Cocaine dopamine

• Phone-notification dopamine

• Hot-guy-texted-me-back dopamine

Intermittent reinforcement hijacks your brain the same way gambling does.

You aren’t addicted to them.

You’re addicted to:

• The anticipation

• The unknown

• The tension

Your body becomes chemically addicted to emotional inconsistency.

Availability Feels Boring — Until Your Nervous System Heals

Here’s the harsh truth:

You don’t push away good men because they’re boring.You push them away because they are safe.

Safety feels unfamiliar.

Unfamiliar feels wrong.

Wrong feels boring.

Your body is confusing intensity for chemistry.

Chemistry isn’t the spark of anxiety.

Chemistry is:

• calm

• steady

• reciprocal effort

• consistency that doesn’t require proving yourself

If the spark only exists when someone pulls away…

It’s not chemistry.

It’s withdrawal.

How To Stop Falling For Unavailable Men (Without Going Numb)

You don’t break this pattern by forcing yourself to like someone you’re not attracted to.

You break it by:

• Learning to self-regulate

• Increasing your tolerance for emotional safety

• Letting slow intimacy build desire instead of fear

Here’s the hard truth:

You will never stop wanting the chaseuntil safety stops feeling scary.

Step 1: Heal the nervous system

Learn to sit with boredom.Learn to sit with slow.

Healthy love isn’t a sprint — it’s pace.

Step 2: Identify the feeling beneath the craving

When you want to chase someone emotionally unavailable, ask:

“What feeling am I trying to avoid right now?”

Loneliness? Fear of not being chosen? Fear of not being enough? Fear of being too much? 

Your answer is the wound.

Step 3: Practice intimacy with safe people

Not romantic intimacy— emotional intimacy.

Learn to be known. Learn to be supported.

Your heart can’t tolerate receiving what it’s never experienced.

What Healthy Chemistry Actually Feels Like (Hint: Not Anxiety)

Healthy attraction feels like:

• “I’m curious”

• “I feel good around this person”

• “I don’t need to perform”

• “I feel safe to be seen”

Unhealthy attraction feels like:

• “I need to win him”

• “What did I say wrong?”

• “Why hasn’t he responded?”

• “I can fix him if I try harder”

If love requires performance — it’s not love.

Final Thought: You Don’t Need To Chase What’s Yours

The love that is meant for you:

• Stays

• Chooses

• Moves toward you

• Doesn’t require convincing

You don’t need to audition for someone who wants you.

Imagine this…

A man who is emotionally available. Who shows up. Who makes plans. Who doesn’t leave you guessing.

Your nervous system may resist at first.

But your soul will exhale.

Because this time, you aren’t chasing.

You’re receiving.

You are not addicted to unavailable men.You are addicted to the version of yourself you think you have to be to earn love.

You don’t have to earn what is already yours.